Unlovable with Uncertainty

Graduation day with my dad 2021

    I have been taught ever since I was a kid to love others and be kind. As a part of this, I have been raised to remember that "love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" blah blah blah. Y'all get it, right?

    I don't get very preachy about how I wish to be treated or how I treat others, but this teaching has stuck with me recently. I see my friends, non-friends, crushes, exes, and family members in this light. I see them as someone who has done one or many of these. I see some as those who have never done any of them. I do not normally have standards like these. I keep them logical and understandable, but it made me think if I was ever hard to love. 

   I have surrounded myself with my friends, but when I am alone. 

    I am left to my devices, my own thoughts, and it has led me to the idea that I am unlovable. I once thought that because of these past few months I am unable to love others. Why would I be worthy of love when I couldn't keep it in the first place? It is a crazy accusation, I'm aware. 

    I know I am worthy of love, but we all are forgetful, are we not?

    I know my worth, after not knowing for so long, I understand my worth. I know that I was treated with conditions. I was treated with patience if I was cooperative. I was treated with many lists of my wrongdoings, instead of understanding. I was treated with, at the time, seemed like love. It was good at that moment. Although I was treated right and was not harmed in any way. I was not treated the way I think my parents or friends wanted me to be treated in the end. 

    These past few weeks I have caught myself wishing I could have undone every choice I have made. Whether it be a choice two years ago or the choices I made last night. I keep questioning what I'm doing for school, work, relationships, and everything in between is the right choice. I have found that I can't stop thinking about the past and my future. I don't enjoy being in the present. I wanted to be in my high school parking lot talking to a friend about APUSH and what we're going to be when we grow up. I wanted to pretend I am back at my grandparent's house in Ohio, instead of being in the dorm that is now becoming excruciatingly cramped. I wish I could undo the reason I feel this way. I have felt this way for so long and it seems to be a theme in my life. I like to ignore this theme even more. 

    I feel as if it connects to the uncertainty of living. The feeling of not knowing the outcome of one choice or the other. The feeling of crippling sadness for weeks on end and you don't know why. The feeling of being happy with yourself at this moment, but tomorrow you will change your mind. The feeling of excitement when new opportunities arise. 

    Uncertainty is my least favorite feeling aside from sadness. It is the uncertainty of not knowing if those around me love me or if I am loving them well enough that prompts these thoughts. It is the idea that I must be one step ahead in order to avoid the inevitable. 

However, it is contradictory to write about how I hate uncertainty when it led me to many things today.

 The uncertainty of graduating and finishing high school.

 

 The uncertainty of some relationships led me to many lessons and new friends.

 The uncertainty of not knowing where I wanted to go to school led me to where I am today. 

The uncertainty of not knowing if this group of friends are my people, but they later turned out to be my best friends. 

The uncertainty of the field I want to go into led me to become more driven to learn what I want to do.

    Overall, in my experience uncertainty has come hand in hand with the idea of love. It is mainly about the uncertainty of what love entails. Whether it be if I am the one who is hard to love or if I do not love others enough. 

    Recently I have realized that many of these thoughts come back to my self-worth and wondering if I am enough. (There is a whole other post about that, so feel free to revisit!) I have relearned and unlearned my self-worth many times, but it all comes down to how I view myself. 

    It all comes down to how you view yourself. You are not difficult to love. You are human and you struggle with the big and little things. Although we are faulty and sometimes feel as if we are unworthy of love, we are. You are just as worthy of love as the pet you love endlessly. You are just as worthy of love as your best friend who you remind how loved they are. It just takes courage to face the uncertainty of being able to find your self-worth and be a little selfish.