The Things Left Unsaid

I was supposed to give myself closure during my spring break. 

I did not get any of that. 

    I have seen in the movies, books, radio shows, etc. that you find closure with the last meet-up. I wanted that or more like I needed that. I felt as if I needed to hear that last conversation, see their face, or smile one last time. I wanted to cry in that coffee shop, I love that coffee shop, and now I have ruined the coffee shop because I met up with them there. I like to speak my mind and say what I want to say, but at that moment I had nothing to say. I wanted to leave. I wanted to have the last word and I didn't.  
   
     I like to push back all emotions that are not positive. I don't like crying or being angry, despite the fact that I rant a lot. I also hate the feeling of this lingering sadness all the time. It's such a difference from the first week to the third. You realize that the sunset is different, coffee is different, and the people you judged originally are different. I realize that I don't know where I would be without my friends or family. I don't know where I would be without their friends and family as well. I realized that many of my favorite artist's timing is good and that their newest breakup songs hit right where it needs to (shoutout to Jordy Searcy's newest songs). 

    I think that I needed this past spring break to heal a little more than I intended. I sat with my mom in the yard and I cried. My dog was there too, but he was begging for the popcorn my mom had. I don't think I have ever felt this much of one central emotion in a long time. I'm not joking. I think the last time was when the guy I had my first kiss turned out to be a douche bag. That was years ago and it is now different. There has been so much change these past few years whether it be covid, graduating high school, work, moving into my dorm, or going to college. Everything is hitting harder now, these are the days I am going to miss the most if I don't cherish them. 

Yet, here I am wallowing in my own sadness because of the inevitable. 

    There was no saving what we had. After thinking about it for a while there was no way to change their mind. There was no way I could have done more despite my belief that I can always do more. There is no way to change their maturity level to match mine. There was no real way to save it. 
  
    That's the hardest part about it. I know what did was enough and I know that I did all I could. There is no issue within me or what I chose to do with my future. I am growing up and it could be that they feel threatened by that or that they know that I will be able to achieve my dreams without them. I like to think that I was the best they ever had and that I was good to them in the time we were together. I believe that if I had never met them, I wouldn't be who I am today. Without them, I would not have realized these ideas either. 

    I think the worst part about closure is not receiving it. I was told there might be three meet-ups, but there was only one. One where I couldn't speak my mind. One where I couldn't tell how they were feeling. One where I didn't allow myself to hug them or even accidentally bump them because I would break my own heart again. I wanted to say so many things and yet I did not allow myself to say a word. 

    Instead, we had simple conversations, even if they asked if I had anything to say about the breakup I said no. I said no while I was fighting the urge to walk out, crying. I told him I didn't really know what to say and I believe I said all I needed to. 

That was a lie. 

   It is the things unsaid that hurt me the most, which explains why I need to hear words the most. I hate myself for not speaking my mind that day or any days past then. I wish I stood up for myself and had spoken my mind. But, I cannot change what I did and didn't do. I have been learning that the things you did and didn't do cannot be changed. It has been a lesson for me because I stay awake at night thinking about what I could have asked in class that day, I could have called that friend, or maybe I could have called them to tell them they are hurting me even by a simple snapchat. 

  It's cliche to say that you shouldn't get yourself worked up on the past, but I overthink the past, present and future. Once again I like to think of a lesson or something to stick with, but I have nothing. I want to portray my thoughts honestly and in all honesty I miss them. I am moving on, but I miss them and the opportunities I never got with them. I wish I could share the experiences I am having now, but I must move on. I have to push on for myself. It might sound selfish, but how can a person move on when they are stuck on the same problem? 

    Needless to say, you are allowed to miss them. You are allowed to feel as if you never did enough or said enough in that moment. Although do not let the "what ifs?" consume you to where you don't treasure the moments right now. Let go, but allow yourself to feel those emotions if needed.