The Blues

What is the heart without love?

What is the mind without thoughts?

What is the soul without spirits?

As I sit here wallowing in self pity about my recent breakup, I realized something. I realized that your body is prepared for it. At least your body tries to be prepared. No one can prepare for the shock of a statement like:  

"I think we need to take some time away from each other."

No one prepared me. 

Research states that the brain treats heartbreak, or stimulates it, the same as physical pain. I feel it. It is different for everyone, but I feel it immensely. Not to mention I am going through the stages of grief almost everyday now. 

I have been through break ups before, but this one is different. I am not in my childhood room, listening to sad broadway songs. I am not in the same county as my friends, family, or even my now ex. 

Now granted I am very grateful for my friends here. I couldn't have asked for a better support system. 

Yet, here I am wishing for the person I called my other half. I don't beg, but I wish my ego would let me.  I wish I could. 

Despite my emotions being at an all time high and feeling almost everything possible. I feel peace and clarity  coming to me slowly. I don't want to feel anything if I'm honest. I would much rather feel happy or okay than what I feel now. 

Because the person who used to bring the peace and clarity in my life is gone. My step stool, my personal mechanic, or the person I thought was going to stick around. He is gone. The love is still there and it always will be there. I just need to remind myself that the peace and clarity are coming. I need to remember that my body is meant to endure emotions like this. I have to be okay with being without the last puzzle piece for a little while longer. 

Normally, I would talk about the lesson in this scenario. I have none. All I have is a lot of junk food, a few empty coffee cups, snotty stained sweatshirts, and myself. 

I want to be able to have the answers. I want to be able to give future readers the cliche, "It'll all be okay!" speech. Right now though, all I have to say is take it one day at a time. Make sure you feed yourself and take care of yourself. Hold the ones you love a little tighter and a little longer. Keep your friends and family closer or if you're like me on speed dial. 

It feels like the world is dying as I live and breathe in it. I feel empty. I try not to dwell on the past and focus on the present. But these emotions are normal and they will not go away instantly. I have to realize that. 

So for those who lost someone they loved so deeply. 

I hope you are okay. 

We will be okay. 

Getting over this hill is just a smaller obstacle life gives you or me.